Successful Relationships

The relationships between men and women have changed substantially over time. That which worked decades ago or centuries ago no longer suffices. Clearly, the physical ingredient of relationships is roughly (no pun intended) as it has been for thousands of years. That's a matter of personal taste; to each his own. In all other areas, the dynamics are radically different.

The ancient Greeks weren't too far off in their analysis of love. Frankly, despite our arrogant belief that we have evolved light years beyond our ancestors, the nature of love hasn't changed too much. The Greeks broke down love into Storge (the love of a parent for their children), Filia (love among true friends), Agape (love for the human race and its community), and Eros (sexual love). Can mixing those definitions together be sufficient to create a worthwhile, long term relationship, such as marriage? Arguably, a good relationship mixes Eros and Filia; it's an exciting and deeply caring friendship. It then starts looking outward jointly with Agape. It often will manifest itself with kids, an opportunity to experience Storge.

Will that last? Well, people change. Excitement wanes. New interests develop. Kids grow up. Decades ago and centuries ago, our fairly narrow worlds limited the amount of change. Less change meant less reason to grow apart. Moreover, the economics were very different. Couples needed to be together. Neither could really survive on their own, and it was extremely difficult for a family to survive with only one parent. That need doesn't exist anymore. Going solo in life is much easier today. Superficial needs can be satisfied (or obfuscated) with petty pursuits, and economic needs can be more easily satisified without someone along for the ride. Men, by and large, haven't kept up emotionally with women's independence. Men don't get an ego boost by being the provider anymore, because they're often not the provider. The role models men had in their fathers and grandfathers no longer hold sway. It's uncharted territory, and it's the future.

So how do you make it last? Obviously, you need all the pieces listed above. But in addition I think there needs to be a purposeful partnership. Couples need to build something together. They both need to have skin in the game. Whether you're building your retirement or building a family, there needs to be something that keeps pulling the couple together. A common goal is the best long-term answer.